By Joshep Grenny
One of the most fascinating questions we asked the 525 people who reported life-changing conversations was whether fate or choice determined these outcomes. The loud and clear answer from our subjects was choice. Most people could identify specific things they did wrong or right that they believe shaped the course and outcome of those pivotal moments.
According to respondents, the top three reasons conversations failed were:
1. Inability to control emotions. Many said they “lost it” and let their emotions get the best of them. In retrospect, they say there is much they could have done to moderate their emotions and keep things on a healthier plane.
2. Lack of safety, or inattentiveness to the psychological safety of the other person. Respondents reported that they could have done more to ensure that the other person understood their real motives in the conversation.
3. Silence and violence. Subjects said they tended to lose focus on their real goals and get sidetracked into defensiveness, revenge, or fearful withdrawal from the conversation.
At the same time, those whose tricky conversations led to positive outcomes could point out specific skills that helped. When we looked at the magnitude of the issues they discussed, we found these conversations no easier or simpler than any of the failed ones. The history, volatility, and stakes were dead even. The only difference was the outcome. Since our experience in the factory 25 years ago, we’ve seen again and again that those competent at handling these crucial conversations realize far different results.
The skillful communicators more consistently acted upon three things:
1. Safety. They repeatedly reaffirmed their real motives in the conversation and their respect for the other person.
2. Goals. They kept the real goals they had for the conversation top of mind—inoculating them from getting off track.
3. Focus. They sorted through the myriad distractions the conversation offered and zeroed in on the central issue of concern.
We’ve taught the skills we learned by watching those who consistently master crucial conversations to people around the world and have seen consistently improved performance—not just in their communication, but in their results. We’ve seen patients’ lives saved as hospitals taught nurses and doctors to surface crucial issues. We’ve seen manufacturing productivity increase as teams have learned to work more candidly and respectfully through disappointments and frustrations. We’ve seen customer retention soar at financial service firms as wealth managers began to address sensitive client issues more quickly and candidly.
Of course, a simple conversation doesn’t solve everything, but just imagine how 2011 might have been different for a handful of public figures. What if Anthony Weiner had been immediately forthcoming about his misbehavior? What if General Stanley McChrystal had shared criticisms directly with his commander in chief rather than with Rolling Stone magazine? What if Donald Trump—and a host of other political combatants—stuck to discussing facts and policies rather than calling people names, as Trump did in his tirade against Obama and other national leaders at a Republican Women’s Group in Las Vegas in April. Or what if Kanye West had bitten his tongue rather than ranted on stage at a music festival that he’s misunderstood and underappreciated, that “People look at me like I’m … Hitler.”
But the most hopeful thing we’ve learned in the past 25 years is that perfection is not the goal. Progress is. We’ve discovered that small progress in skillfully approaching these crucial moments leads to disproportionate improvement in the strength of our relationships, the health of our organizations, and our collective capacity to achieve what we really want.
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